


Trust Exercise

by Zarla



Series: Vargas Stories [20]
Category: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac
Genre: Blindfolds, Dubious Consent, Kissing, M/M, Oblivious, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator, in that nny doesn't ask him at all if it's okay to do this, inappropriately casual mentions of murder and suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27006181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zarla/pseuds/Zarla
Summary: The waste lock system exploits any psychological weaknesses in its victims to better drive them mad and achieve its intended purpose. To prevent this, weaknesses must be destroyed and conquered.To conquer fear, one must go to the very heart of it, to the very worst thing one can think of, and return.Johnny has an idea of what that might be. And Edgar is going to help him with it.
Relationships: Johnny "Nny" C./Edgar Vargas
Series: Vargas Stories [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/20964
Comments: 20
Kudos: 59





	Trust Exercise

**Author's Note:**

> Set after the beginning of [chapter 17 of Vargas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/49492/chapters/65055), except Nny decides to stick around after Edgar falls asleep instead of bailing for like six chapters.

In a way, it was fortunate that Edgar decided to sleep for so long. It gave him a lot of time to think about the situation facing them both.

It also let him come up with an idea.

It wasn't one that he normally would have considered, but Edgar had said that when he tried to solve a problem, he considered _all_ angles and possibilities, and that's what Johnny had to do now. Johnny had the advantage with this kind of thing, he'd been through it before. Sure, Edgar wasn't insane to begin with so that'd probably change some things, but Johnny still had more experience than he did. He had to use that previous knowledge to try and come up with some kind of workable plan. Some way to subvert, or change, or build up resistance. 

He couldn't let this progress unhindered. He could _not_ let this happen to him. It was his fault that he'd been chosen, and Edgar did not deserve it. He was the one person in the world that didn't deserve it.

He didn't really deserve anything Johnny had done to him so far. That was part of why it was so puzzling to him that he was here, in Edgar's apartment, and Edgar was sleeping in his room quite peacefully, not afraid of him in the least. There were a lot of puzzling things about Edgar, which was part of why it was so hard to stay away from him. It was always a challenge to try and understand him, try and understand the odd rails his thoughts followed in comparison to Johnny's. It must have been a much smoother and calmer ride than his own. The only times his thoughts tended to slow was if he felt like killing himself, which admittedly wasn't _that_ infrequent. If he could just pull Edgar's brain out of his skull and pick out the paths of his neurons, that could probably grant him the understanding he craved. But Edgar didn't seem to like or want that kind of thing, oddly.

As tempting as it was to follow through with the urge to decerebrate, Johnny knew he'd regret it. He had a greater goal for Edgar, and he was not going to let the jagged parts of his mind forget that. He had control, he was _himself_ for once, whoever that was, and when he was here in Edgar's apartment, he didn't hear any other voices intruding in on his identity, or parceling it out amongst themselves so they could have a round-table discussion. It was always quiet here, which was comforting and eerie but at least it let him think. When he went home, the voices would probably start up again, a whole new passel of them to deal with and get used to. That idea didn't disturb him too much. He'd had voices before, he'd always had voices. Some of them were really pretty nice. He wouldn't mind if Nail Bunny came back. He was okay with that possibility. He was _not_ okay with something trying to hijack his insanity for its own inscrutable ends, for his voices being used as tools again to try and control him, just when he was starting to figure out who it was they'd been trying to control.

There was really no way to know until he went home, and Johnny wasn't about to do that just yet.

The lock system was already trying to get at Edgar, he could see it even if Edgar couldn't. There were warning signs and red flags everywhere. Edgar was missing all of them, but of course he couldn't be expected to know them. This had never happened to him before. He was, in a way, innocent. It was Johnny's responsibility to identify them. It was his responsibility to do something and make this stop before it got out of control.

It was still early. There still had to be something he could do.

He had an idea. Well, he had the beginnings of several ideas, which gave him some comfort if this one failed. There was a chance of that, but there was also a chance that this, as horrifying and disgusting and awful as it was, might work. And that chance was worth at least giving it a try. Giving such a thing a try was, in a way, the entire point of the venture.

Even if it was going to be so, so unpleasant... he had to try.

Edgar had been asleep for a long time. Johnny had not liked how he had acted before he did so. Presumably, sleeping would fix that, although he still could not comprehend how. Sleep was the enemy. Sleep constantly rewrote and destroyed reality according to its own unknowable whims. That it could heal anyone, bring reality _closer_ to them, was a ridiculous thought.

But then again, Edgar had always been solid. He'd been reliable. He knew what was real, and he always knew. It must not have been the same for him, although Johnny couldn't even picture what that must have been like. He knew it logically enough to let Edgar rest, though. Johnny didn't like seeing him so disoriented and lost when he'd last woken up, barely able to keep up with a conversation. He didn't like that at all.

He had to do something about this. Even if it didn't work, at least he could try. And at least it'd be his decision, and no one else's. That was, or should have been, empowering in some sense.

It was strange. He was in control of himself, of his actions, even of his thoughts. He was sure of it, he could tell, even if he couldn't explain how he knew in words. He should have felt like he was. Instead, when he saw Edgar acting like that, when he was unable to wake him up and make him normal again, when he could see the cracks beginning to form in his facade... that was keeping him from feeling correctly. 

Johnny wasn't the one who was being controlled, he wasn't the one destined to suffer, at least in this way. Edgar was the one who was the victim, he always ended up as the victim, but now it felt like that was intruding on Johnny, pushing its way in front of the part of his brain that felt like it was capable, that it could do things and know what they were.

Edgar was pushing his way in and pushing him down, and making him not feel the way he should feel now that he was in control of himself and his choices. He didn't like that at all. There had to be a way to make that stop.

Johnny made his way silently into Edgar's bedroom, where he was flat on his stomach, completely out. He was breathing deeply, his eyes closed. Johnny didn't like seeing that either. Edgar was right here but he wasn't really, he was off in some dream far outside reality. It was sort of like he was dead. Although, not the kind of dead Johnny was used to. Edgar wasn't even bleeding, and all his insides were still inside him. So he didn't look _too_ dead. Although, some part of him automatically pictured, he could change that very easily, if he wanted.

He didn't want to, though. Not right now.

Johnny instinctually surveyed the room for any potential threats. A life led like his made it almost impossible to ever let his guard down. Everyone in this world could hurt him, and they often did, and they got what was coming to them, and whose fault was that? Not his. They should have known better.

Except Edgar, and his gaze softened as he looked at him. Edgar had been blameless, and as always that thought felt entirely foreign. On some level it still felt like such a thing should be impossible, and he shoved that disbelief back down as he always did.

Edgar was blameless, and he needed to be blameless. He needed to be good, he needed to be perfect, or all of this was pointless and he would have fucked up _again_. He needed someone who knew what was happening when even the voices weren't sure or weren't thinking of him, not really. He needed someone who wouldn't change, even if Johnny was a walking embodiment of chaos. 

And Edgar had been really good at that. Johnny wasn't about to let something take that away from him. Not after he had already had so many years of his life stolen away from him without even knowing what they contained. All that was left were vague glimpses of a person he might have been, back before his knife had glued itself to his hand. And that filled him with resentment that was very familiar, with a shade of something different. Something Edgar-related. Not directed at him, exactly. Like it was beside him. That was new.

A lot of things were new around Edgar. He was curious often, he found, to see what Edgar would do next. How Edgar would react to whatever it was he did to him, or whatever it was he said to him. 

He always felt curious around him. Sort of like he had his own little person-shaped made-for-TV mystery. Johnny was still waiting for the denouement of it all. That would be the perfect moment he'd been waiting for, he was sure. When a mystery got solved, the story was over. It completed, correctly, and that was what made it so satisfying.

Johnny saw that toy sitting on his nightstand.

Without really thinking about it, he walked over to it and sent it to the floor with a hard smack. It didn't do anything. He wasn't entirely sure if he expected it to. He really didn't like that thing. It shouldn't be here, he just knew it.

Edgar twitched in his sleep and made a faint sound, something tensing in his shoulders. He must have been close to waking. That was good, that'd make things go a little faster. He'd be groggy, but not as groggy as some of the people Johnny had knocked unconscious before murdering them. They were usually out of it for a while, and that meant he had to be patient before he could outline their sins to them, and he didn't like being patient. He had things to do.

He'd been patient waiting for Edgar to wake up, he realized. That meant he was changing. That meant he could be better, didn't it? He decided it did.

Johnny sat down near him on the bed. Edgar mumbled a little.

"Edgar."

"Mm..."

"Edgar."

There, he was starting to come back, returning to the world as Johnny knew it. It was, in a way, saving him. Johnny intended to save him from a lot of things, and tallied this up on his list. He saved him from sleep, he'd save him from the lock system, and eventually he'd save him from himself, from Johnny hurting him again. It was probably the kindest gesture Johnny would ever make. It was the kind of thing that Edgar deserved.

He deserved a lot of things that were the opposite of what kept happening to him. Edgar really didn't belong here, in this shitty world like this. Johnny wondered, briefly, if Edgar could have stayed in Heaven, if he'd went there. He probably would have liked it there. No one could have hurt him. Well, not unless someone like Johnny showed up and started exploding heads again. But even that hadn't been painful for them, it just kind of annoyed people. It was hard for Johnny to see the appeal of sitting in a chair and not doing anything for eternity.

Then again, if it meant you wouldn't hurt any more, maybe there was something to it. Edgar definitely belonged in one of those chairs. Eventually Johnny would send him there, by his own hand. His last generous gift. He knew Edgar would appreciate it, he already understood so much. Way more than any of the others had. He always understood him.

Edgar finally propped himself up on his elbows, blinking slowly, and he reached for his glasses on the nightstand.

"Mm, Nny?" Him and his sleepy voice.

"Yes. Wake up. I want to try something."

"Mm." That was a more worried sound. Johnny tried to connect the threads of why that'd be so while Edgar sat up, his eyes more open now and properly framed. Right, Johnny had tried to test something with him with the taser that one time. Really, it had worked out fine as Johnny saw it, although Edgar hadn't been happy about it for some reason.

Such a mystery sometimes. Johnny wanted to unravel whatever it was inside Edgar that kept doing that. And it wasn't his intestines, which was still so jarringly unusual.

"I've been thinking about what you said. About solving problems." Johnny set down what he'd prepared by his side, out of Edgar's sight. "While you were sleeping." He couldn't keep the distaste out of his voice at the thought. "I tried to make a list of everything we could try to keep this from happening."

"Keep what from happening?" Edgar reached a finger under his glasses to rub at his eye. He yawned.

"Things from getting worse," Johnny said.

"With us?" Edgar leaned back against the headboard, his hands folded in his lap, as calm and serene as ever. The eye of Johnny's storm around him. He never changed, and he'd never change if Johnny had his way with him. That was the whole point of it.

"In a sense." Johnny brought his legs up onto the bed so they could sit facing each other properly. "You mentioned wanting there to be no fear. And that is understandable, especially now. With outside pressure, fear is a crack in the walls. It's a vulnerability, an open door at night that lets things slip in. That is what we have to conquer."

"You closed the front door, didn't you?" Edgar still sounded a little sleepy. He glanced over at his nightstand, his brow furrowing in confusion, then stretched his neck and leaned to look at the floor. He saw the awful little toy and frowned. It looked like he wanted to say something, but glanced back at Johnny and decided not to. "I'm sorry about that, I don't usually do that."

Always sorry for the wrong things. "That's the point." Johnny held up one finger. "As I can change, so can you. Isn't that right?"

Edgar stared at him for a few seconds, giving him a reluctant kind of look. "I mean... I suppose. I'm not particularly trying to..."

"Again, the point. As I said, outside pressure can create faults, create the cracks that make things more fragile. This isn't going to be a diamond, not anything useful or beautiful. There are many things that could lead to these hairlines, but fear is one and one you mentioned specifically, and that's the one I'd like to tackle."

"Um..." Edgar looked a little confused, as he often did. Johnny still wasn't sure why he kept doing that. Everything he said made perfect sense. Although, one of the few solid parts of his mind reminded him he was insane. So maybe it didn't make sense to Edgar. He didn't see how that could be so, though. "I... suppose, if you want to, uh... work on that, we can. I'm just not sure..."

"Now, I've seen fear in many screaming, painful forms," Johnny said, and Edgar got that disapproving look he often did. Mildly annoying, out of place - Edgar knew what Johnny was, he'd always known. That's why it was so easy for Johnny to talk about, he didn't have to hide anything from him. "I've seen it render so many people into incoherent babies, it's almost boring. But at times, I've also seen people push through it. People where they came out the other side and weren't afraid of anything."

Edgar kept that look on his face, although his eyes unfocused just a little. He usually did that during the pauses in their conversations. Johnny assumed it was because he was thinking carefully about what to say. Edgar always thought about his words, unlike almost every other living being Johnny had ever encountered.

Except Devi... and he tried to push that sadness away. He couldn't afford to think of his mistakes right now. He'd ruined things with her, he'd broken that beyond repair, but he had a chance to fix this with Edgar, and he had to do that. He had to stay focused, he didn't want that heartbreak again. Not with Edgar. He didn't deserve this. Well, neither had she, but this was different in some way he couldn't quite articulate.

"Now, fear presents a very real and persistent threat to you. To us both, in a way, since we are both in this together. You've stayed because you get something out of this relationship. That's what you told me, right?"

Edgar got that reluctant look on his face, glancing in the direction of the toy. It took a little while for him to respond. "I did say that. I think..."

"So, we're both trying to achieve this unique pinnacle. Transcend the limitations of our faults. Correct?"

"Yes..." Still with that look.

"So, if there's a way to conquer this fear, to protect ourselves and shore up the walls of our current accomplishments, then we should do so, correct?"

"I suppose..." More concerned now. "Um... what exactly are you planning...?"

"As I said, I've been considering many solutions to this problem." _Just like you would._ That was a thought that had a lot of appeal. Edgar was always in control, he always knew what to do, he knew what reality was and he didn't let anything bother him. His grip was solid. Johnny wanted that. He wanted to be that. Edgar wouldn't let Edgar fall. He'd hold onto him. Johnny had to do that. "Just like you would."

"Ah..." Edgar looked away, lowering his head just a little. Johnny wasn't sure what he saw on his face. It wasn't really an emotion he was familiar with, although to be fair he was usually exposed more to the shrieking terror and pain part of the emotional spectrum.

"If this experiment doesn't work, then there are other ones we can try. I don't want this to happen to you. I'm not _going_ to let this happen to you. You're too important to me. So we're going to keep trying until we crawl out of this abyss and tell what threw you in there to get fucked."

Edgar looked uncomfortable, still unable to meet his eyes. Another long pause where he gradually looked increasingly unhappy. Johnny wasn't sure why. "I... suppose. I'm still not entirely sure what it is you're talking about, but... I can try to help, depending on what it is you want me to do..."

"No, you're going to try to help me help you." A simple correction, and Edgar made a soft sound, still looking away. All the sounds he made were so soft. Johnny wasn't used to that. "As I said, one solution to fear is to push past it. To experience the greatest level of it, so you can withstand it and know that no other fear can touch you. If you go through, you won't go back. Like the barbs of an arrow. Once it pierces, it doesn't come back out again." Johnny brought a finger to his mouth in thought. "Well, not without a lot of blood, and we're trying to prevent that. Right now, at least."

Still somewhat unhappy. What was Johnny doing wrong? It might have been the lock system's influence on him again, which only strengthened his resolve to see this through. "What exactly are you planning?"

"Here." Johnny finally reached beside him and picked up the strip of cloth. 

Edgar blinked. "Where did you get that?"

"Oh. I made it out of one of your shirts."

Edgar looked a little annoyed.

"Don't worry, it was one of the ugly ones."

That didn't seem to make him any happier for some reason.

"Now, take off your glasses."

There, Edgar was looking concerned again. Johnny was quite familiar with agony, horror, or terror on people's faces. It was alternately annoying, satisfying, or encouraging depending on his mood. Concern was something different, it was something he hadn't really seen much before. It was softer in a way. It had its own strange appeal.

A few more long seconds, while Edgar glanced at the toy on the floor, before he reached up and took them off. His eyes look strange without them on, sort of lonely. 

"What are you going to do...?" he said, quietly. Johnny shifted a little closer to him.

"We're going to push through."

As he thought he would, Edgar stayed still as Johnny tied the cloth over his eyes, although he did make a quiet "mh" sort of noise. It didn't take very long - Johnny was an expert at restraining people. He'd blindfolded people before. They'd always been struggling though. This was different. Normally fun, this was quiet in a strange way. He wasn't sure how it made him feel.

"Why the, uh...?" It sort of sounded like Edgar wanted to say more than that, but couldn't find the words. Strange. Edgar was good at talking, normally. Maybe the influence again. Johnny was not going to falter now.

"When you want to do something difficult, it can help to make the edges of it easier to pass through. You still have to pass through, of course, but you can file down the bone shards so they won't cut you as badly." If you have the time and focus. Johnny often didn't. He bet Edgar would though.

Edgar reached up unconsciously to touch the blindfold, and Johnny grabbed his hand and pushed it back down. Edgar tensed instantly at the touch, taking in a sharp breath, and he didn't let it out until Johnny let his hand be.

"Are you afraid?" Johnny tilted his head at him before he remembered Edgar wouldn't be able to see it. That was the whole point of it, after all. Well, one point of it. It seemed very logical at the time.

A little tremble went across Edgar's shoulders, that soft quietness that was so oddly fascinating. Most of what Johnny saw were full-body shudders or convulsions as someone died. It was similar, but in miniature. Small and in a way, endearing. Edgar took in a breath, held it, and let it out slowly. He straightened his back.

"No," he said, his voice entirely calm and level.

Johnny looked at him a little while longer, then felt himself smiling. The level of control Edgar had, he envied him so much. It was one of his most unreal qualities, something that had baffled him when they'd first met and still made no sense now. He wanted to understand it, touch it, own it and keep it for himself. Keep anything else from touching it. 

Edgar wasn't the one was really going to have to push through, who'd be thrusting the majority of the length through someone's ribcage to the heart. Edgar said he didn't want fear. He had his own under control.

Johnny was the one who had to control his own.

Johnny had the ability now, Edgar believed that he could. He had to prove that, to himself and to him. Then they'd finally be entirely simpatico, and then maybe he'd be able to end it all right then. Save him in the most real and final way, before any further decay could ensue. It would, in a way, be a perfect victory. He'd snatch him from the system's maw, deny it its undeserving prey. Johnny would get what he wanted, and the system would get nothing. Edgar, he was sure, would be proud of him. Johnny said he wouldn't let this happen, and he wasn't going to.

And if it didn't work, if even this couldn't get him past his fear... then he'd have to try something else. But one thing at a time.

He took hold of Edgar's face with both hands, felt him jump at the contact. Of course, with the blindfold, he couldn't see at all what Johnny was doing. He'd come up with many intricate and meaningful reasons for the blindfold, ones that Edgar would understand and appreciate, and they'd all been very convincing and quite moving.

On some simple level, though, Johnny just didn't want him to see him doing this. He didn't think Edgar would judge him, but he didn't want him looking at him. This would be hard enough as it was.

Johnny knew what he feared. It had been made very clear to him when he'd woken up and realized what he'd done to him, the inevitable damage he'd caused by his proximity. The cracks forming in the perfect porcelain of his Edgar, and the deep, instinctual desire to end it before those cracks hurt him, to run before the consequences touched him. How Johnny hated it, how he hated to see it and to feel it, even though it wasn't touching him.

It was a huge thing inside him, difficult to look at, and to confront and defeat it, he had to identify the most horrifying, frightening, awful thing he could do. Something he'd rather die than do, and he'd have to do that. He _had_ to do that. When he finally pinpointed what would fulfill this requirement, he knew almost immediately that that was what his trial would be. He never would have thought of it under other circumstances, he was sure, which only emphasized how dire their current circumstances were.

It'd be so easy to be selfish, to let his fear be his master, to just give up but he wasn't going to do that. Not now. Johnny wanted to change, and he wanted to be better, and he wanted to be better for Edgar, so he could save him from this and achieve that thing they both so desperately wanted, and it was up to him to transcend his own shit so they could both build their armor on top of it. 

Edgar could make him feel weak, with his sad looks and his shaky hands, and how hard he tried. That didn't actually make him so. Surely it didn't.

Johnny took a deep breath. Edgar made a quiet sound, one he found a little hard to read. He was tense under his hands, his skin warm against cold. Edgar had always been aware of how little Johnny wanted to be touched. The significance of this act wouldn't be lost on him. He was too thoughtful and considerate for that.

Such a nice man. He really didn't deserve any of this. Johnny was going to take it away from him. He'd give him what he wanted, regardless of the cost.

Johnny leaned in closer to him, felt Edgar's heartbeat rise and felt his own in response. Everything in Johnny screamed at him to run away, and he refused.

For him. This was all for him.

Edgar jerked with a startled, muffled noise when he kissed him, and he made another when he tried to pull away but Johnny wouldn't let him go. There was one more, weaker, before he settled and quieted. Trying to get away was just an instinctual reaction, he was sure, since Edgar understood completely what he was doing, and what they were trying to overcome in this moment, with this gesture. Edgar wouldn't try to spoil that for either of them. He cared too much about all this.

As many things were with Edgar, it was soft. It was different. The others, there'd been something calling, something deep inside that had said something, or demanded something he didn't want to give. He could feel, even now, some part of him that didn't feel right, that he didn't recognize, giving the slightest hint of being pleased, and he almost wanted to stop just to spite it. But this was about more than that. The others, they had wanted. They had likewise been willing, but they had wanted, and he could tell. As much as the thought confused and at times repulsed him, at the time, something in him had wanted as well. A base urge, primal and disgusting for its power. Animal-like, devoid of logic or reason or anything truly real.

He didn't feel that from Edgar at the moment. He was as stiff as a board, as though he were terrified. Johnny assumed it was because he must have known how much Johnny wouldn't want to do this, how hard it would have been for him to achieve this astonishing thing. Edgar had always been empathetic like that. He didn't try to do anything in return, which Johnny was somewhat grateful for since he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle it, and no doubt that was another display of his unnatural empathy for Johnny's position. He wasn't fighting him anymore. He was just quietly warm, very hot under his hands, breathing a little hard. With his mouth occupied, that made sense.

Edgar made one of those little soft noises again, one that usually meant he was confused, or upset, or afraid. His empathy for Johnny was continually dumbfounding, he took on his emotions without even thinking about it. What was it about him that cared so much? Whatever it was in Johnny that could do so was broken. Although perhaps it could be fixed, or changed now that he was free. He hadn't really thought about that until now. He'd have to suggest that to Edgar later, maybe that'd be another thing they could work on together.

He wasn't sure how much more he could bear it, and finally he moved away from him, slowly. When he did, Edgar started breathing much faster, he was shaking. His face was still warm under his hands, and he could see now that it was red. Strange. He hadn't seen that on him before. Had he...? Johnny looked up and to the right in thought as he tried to remember.

It took a while for Edgar to find words, and he felt him on occasion try to move his head to look towards that stupid toy again but Johnny wouldn't let him. He swallowed, tension going through him that only made his shaking worse. 

"Why did you do that...?" Quiet, level enough, although there was something strange under it. The intricacies of human emotion were not Johnny's strong point. He wasn't sure what it was.

"I already told you," Johnny said, a bit annoyed. He didn't like repeating himself. "Pushing through fear. Becoming its master. You know. All that."

"Why did you do that?" Still quiet, still confused. It was strange for him not to grasp the concept. "I... I thought you didn't like to be touched..."

"I told you, I don't like touching empty things." Johnny gave his head a little tiny shake, and some instinct in him wanted to twist it and snap his neck and he told it to shush. The crazy part of him could be so annoying sometimes. Edgar's neck was just fine the way it was. Why did he shake him again? Right, he just wanted to emphasize his point. The little noise Edgar made at it made him think that wasn't the right thing to do though. "And this is about something greater than that anyway."

"Something greater...?" Edgar still sounded a little breathless. "So... so, this is about... this is a symbolic gesture...? It's not... it's about something more than..."

"Were you not listening before?"

"No, I was, I just... I just wanted to make sure I understood why you'd... why you want to do this. I... I, uh." And he was quiet again. Johnny was sure that under the blindfold, he was getting that unfocused look in his eyes again as he thought. "I wasn't... expecting you to do something like this..."

"It is, admittedly, difficult." Although, now that he thought about it, not as difficult as he'd assumed. Clearly, his resolve to vanquish this foe for Edgar's sake was greater than he'd thought. That was good. That was encouraging. He was more than he thought he was, and that meant he could be greater even than that, if he could just apply himself. Edgar would tell him how. He knew these kind of things. "But the point of pushing to the extremes is to take the power of it away, to know its shape and how best to disembowel and disable it. With focus and determination, you can become the master of anything, even yourself. The absolute nadir of an experience, the most awful thing you can imagine... touching it makes it irrelevant. The familiar loses its sting the more you see it. Then you can use that sting to achieve actual goals."

Despite the fact he couldn't see his eyes, Johnny got the impression Edgar wasn't really listening. He'd raised a hand to his mouth, touching his lips like he was making sure they were okay. In a way, it was almost a little insulting. It wasn't like Johnny had done something to them. He didn't even have his paring knife, there wasn't anything he really _could_ do to them. Edgar's hand was shaking a little, now that he looked at it, and he was breathing strangely.

"The most awful thing you can imagine...?" Edgar said, softly.

Johnny nodded, then remembered Edgar couldn't see him, or anything. "It was obvious once it came to me. The impossibility of it clearly marked the cracks that must be filled. If you don't abolish your own weakness, it'll just get preyed upon by much worse things."

"Is this really horrible for you...?" Edgar said, weaker still now. It was a little like he was slipping away from him, even as he was holding him here. Johnny didn't really like that, he didn't like Edgar going unless he wanted him going.

"The whole point of this is that it is." Johnny frowned a little now. "Really, it'd help if you paid more attention. This is kind of important."

"I..." And Edgar's shoulders lowered with a sudden invisible weight. "I know, I know. It's just... you doing this, it..." And he couldn't seem to find the rest of the words. He felt him try again to turn and look at that stupid toy, and again he refused him, and Edgar made a faint unhappy sound when he wouldn't let him go. Edgar's hands were up a little, hovering vaguely near his chest, unsure of what to do but shaking now, he saw.

"Are you afraid?" The shivering felt a little familiar. 

Another long silence, and Edgar winced, like something had suddenly bit him. Johnny looked briefly around, didn't see anything. He wasn't holding him that hard, so it couldn't have been that. Edgar held his breath, shivered a little, made the faint whine that came with tiny pain. Tiny pains weren't really Johnny's field of expertise. Go big or go home. But Johnny had barked his shin on something once or twice, and that kind of tiny pain, that little sounded hiss that came with something like that, that he could recognize.

"Edgar...?" 

"Mh." Edgar's face twisted a little, like he was fighting something, before he let the tension go. He was still breathing a little hard. "I'm... I'm alright. I'm not..." He swallowed. "I'm not afraid."

"Good." If only it were that easy for Johnny. This wasn't over for him yet. 

Johnny focused, drew him close, pressed his mouth over his again and Edgar made a quiet, strained sound, going rigid with surprise. Right, he couldn't see it when Johnny did that, he kept forgetting. It just came at him out of nowhere. He vaguely wondered what that might have been like. The only moments of blindness Johnny had known were when he blinked, and he tried to keep his eyes shut as little as possible.

As Johnny had said, familiarity removed the sting. Just a little experience left Edgar completely at ease with the whole affair, quiet and willing in his hands and so calm. It was strange how his lack of resistance felt so dangerous, it was just so unfamiliar to him. He didn't understand it. Edgar knew him, he knew all of him. The others, they hadn't known him. They knew _a_ Johnny, one that they were willing to do this kind of thing with, but it wasn't _the_ Johnny. One of his gifts to them had been to deprive them of the disappointment of finding out who he really was.

Well... they still found out right before they died, but that was better than a slow realization over time as things decayed. When it was quick, they were both much happier. Their suffering was short, and they probably forgot about it right after it was over. Well, they were dead, so they probably forgot a lot of things.

Johnny realized he wasn't paying that much attention, and as such, that reluctance and discomfort at contact this close had actually fallen fairly quiet. He still couldn't feel any of that alarming, primitive want from Edgar, which reassured him that he wasn't being corrupted by any of this. Tainted by those awful, hijacking _desires_ that touch could awaken. Johnny had just escaped a master, and he was not about to become a slave to himself instead. Edgar wasn't going to. Johnny was going to follow his lead.

Edgar made another soft sound, a little more like a whimper than he would have expected. Maybe his thoughts were going along the same lines as Johnny's, thinking about how awful it'd be to fall victim to what lay just outside their ascension over this concept and this interaction. But that was the point of all this, to transcend that fear. To overcome it and make it powerless.

He expected this to be worse than it was. Hmm. Well, in a way, that was a good thing, wasn't it?

He broke away from him again, and Edgar was breathing even faster now, he was shaking more than ever. Maybe overwhelmed by the progress Johnny had made with this? He still felt so warm. It was strange to think about naturally being warm. Johnny lived his life perpetually cold.

"Why are you doing this...?" Why did Edgar keep asking him that question? Hadn't he already explained it? Edgar still had that strange thing in his voice, some kind of underlying meaning to it that Johnny couldn't quite decipher. Maybe it was a sane person thing. "Why are you doing this...?"

"I already told you."

"Overcoming fear..." Edgar swallowed, his breathing shallow. "Is that all it is?"

Johnny's brow furrowed. It was a simple question with a similarly simple answer, it was just sitting there waiting for him to pick it up and toss it out his mouth. For some reason it wouldn't move at first. "What else could it be?"

Edgar exhaled with a faint sound, and he wasn't sure how to read it. He'd never been particularly good at that kind of thing anyway. Maybe it was relief? There was something like pain on what he could see of his face. He was familiar with most flavors of it, although this one looked slightly different. It was intriguing though. A lot of things about Edgar were, when he thought about it.

"What, do you want me to stop?" What a ridiculous notion. Edgar understood exactly why he was doing this. There'd be no reason to stop. 

"I..." Edgar took in a weak breath. "I don't know." It was very soft and somewhat confused.

"Well, I'm not where I want to be with this yet." Johnny huffed a little. "Are you?"

"Ah..." Edgar again tried to move his head, but Johnny kept his grip tight. A shudder went all the way through him for a second, he winced again in some unknown and unseen pain. His shoulders rose and fell with a heavier breath, and he grimaced with a hiss. What was it that was hurting him? Johnny didn't see anything. Edgar opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but couldn't get it to come out.

Johnny studied his face for some kind of clue. With his eyes covered, he didn't have to analyze those, although the cloth looked a little dark underneath where Edgar's were hidden. Beneath them, there was the bandage on one cheek, and the scar on the other. He couldn't take his eyes off of them.

_I did this,_ he thought, as he stared at them. They were still there, still present. They'd always be present, they were permanent. He'd made himself permanent, something unchanging in the most stable thing he had found. Edgar carried him with him wherever he went. That was satisfying. Even if he lost himself in any current moment, he'd always exist in the scars he'd left on his face. 

Johnny shifted his hands a little until he could press his thumb over the uncovered scar, studied how it felt. Edgar hadn't let it heal, he could tell. Most of the time Johnny finished people off quickly, but he did have a few that he kept around until he felt like they'd learned what they'd done wrong, or because they were fun to torture when he got bored. Some of them had gotten scars, and for all that Johnny hadn't done anything to help them with them (Why should he? They were all deserved), they didn't look quite like these. Edgar had opened one again last night... it was easy to guess that was what he kept doing.

_These are mine,_ Johnny thought as he ran his thumb along the length of it, and Edgar's face twisted with an unhappy sound. He tried to move his head away, he didn't seem to like it.

"Ngh, don't..." Edgar got out, a little strained, tension through his neck as he struggled to pull away. Johnny kept his hold on him, didn't let him go. He wouldn't let him go. He was going to save him, save this, save what he'd done, save his scars and his evidence of his presence in his life. Save what was his. He'd done this, this was his responsibility, he'd done this to him and he had to own this. "Don't touch them... don't touch them like that, it..." 

Johnny pressed down a little as he slid his thumb back across, watched his skin indent with the pressure, and watched how Edgar rolled his shoulders, raised his hands like he wanted to do something but didn't touch him, tried to escape him to no avail. Edgar didn't like this, it was obvious. He'd said as much, and that contrary part of Johnny that he knew well wanted to keep doing it just for that reason. Just to show that he could, just to take power back from someone who thought they had power over him. No one had power over him, not anymore. No one could make him do anything.

Edgar made another unhappy sound, longer, and Johnny stopped. No one was making him do this. He was choosing to do this. He was choosing to make Edgar unhappy, and that wasn't what he wanted to do, was it?

He ran his thumb across the bandage on the other cheek to press its seal down more firmly as a show of conciliation. He tried to soften his voice as Edgar would. "Sorry. I was thinking about how they're mine."

Edgar shuddered again, another full-body one. "Yours..." he breathed, apparently to no one.

"I shouldn't be getting distracted." Johnny shook his head. "I feel like if I don't push through it now, it'll just be harder to do later."

"Later...? How... how many times are you...?" Edgar could barely get it out, for some reason.

"I told you... until there's no fear." Johnny brought his face closer to his again. "That's what you said you wanted, isn't it? This is what you wanted, isn't it?"

Edgar made a sound he wasn't quite sure how to quantify.

He pressed his mouth against his again, and Edgar jumped and went tense, he kept doing that every time. It was satisfyingly predictable, he always surprised him. The blindfold made it so easy to do. Kissing him also seemed to be getting easier to do, which meant this was working. This _had_ to work. He was going to _make_ it work, no matter what it took.

When Johnny broke away for a few seconds, he caught his breath and determination made him come in quickly for another, to which Edgar made one of those faint sounds into his mouth. He wasn't sure what it meant, but it didn't seem bad. Or it didn't feel bad to him, at least. For all of how disgusting this was, Johnny was able to keep his mind focused on the smaller things to keep his control, climb his way out of his fear by sheer strength of will. With conscious effort, he could think only of how warm and soft it was, and how fragile Edgar felt in his hands, and how that made him feel all the more powerfully that he had to do this, that he had be strong enough to get them to a place where he could finally protect him and remove him from this world and any ability it had to hurt him.

Again and again and again, it got easier each time, and the soft "ah" sound Edgar made in those few moments when his mouth was free were strangely encouraging. He wasn't sure how many it was until he noticed that Edgar didn't feel quite as warm as before. It took Johnny a few seconds to realize that for once, it was because he was actually producing his own heat, a little. Strange. He couldn't remember that happening before.

Well, whatever. He had to push through this, make himself its master, bring it and Edgar under his control, bring him under his control. He took a moment to consider that thought, wondered about its source. That strange thing deep in his mind, something faint but persistent, still felt pleased about this, satisfied. This was satisfying, he thought more consciously, because he knew this was accomplishing exactly what he intended it to and nothing more.

And vaguely, casually, as he pulled Edgar's head more firmly to his own, felt his hands against his chest to brace himself, felt how he shivered and gave in to him completely, could tell how hard Edgar wanted this to work for him, he was really trying _so_ hard to help Johnny with this... vaguely, casually, as he kissed him again, harder, and Edgar made that satisying little noise, he thought this was kind of nice. Once he divorced it from its disgusting physical trappings, of course. It was kind of nice to succeed at something. Particularly something that was so important, and something that had been so frightening for him to confront and do.

When he broke away again, Edgar was short of breath, each one colored with a faint sound, and he could feel his heart beating hard through his skin. His life was so fragile, as all lives were. His life belonged to him for him to end when the time came, Edgar had trusted him with that responsibility. Johnny had taken a lot of lives, if he wanted one he'd just take it, but Edgar's was special.

He noticed he was a little out of breath himself. Probably how little he'd paused to breathe properly when focused, and his quickened heartbeat was in compensation of that. That was interesting. Johnny knew he was easily distracted, it was just hard to keep his attention on things at times. Even killing people sometimes couldn't keep him on task. He'd been able to focus on this though, so that just emphasized its importance. He wondered vaguely if this had been enough, if he was going to have to keep doing this until something clicked, or something broke, and total victory was obvious. He'd do it, if he had to.

"Nny..." Edgar said, his voice shivering just as hard as he was. He was really overcome by Johnny's success. He really was so valuable. Johnny almost couldn't believe he'd nearly dropped and shattered him when they'd first met. What a waste that would have been. Johnny allowed him to bow his head a little, and Edgar was leaning on him for support now, he noticed. The blindfold hid some of his face, erased it and his emotions, all that evidence of weakness. It was a good look on him, Johnny thought, it emphasized the control Edgar had over himself at all times. He didn't need his eyes to be visible, he could control those windows into himself like he could always control himself. 

Well, Johnny could control them for him. It was a kind gesture he was sure Edgar would appreciate, one that had unexpected layers that he was still uncovering. Edgar was rather vulnerable this way, a little helpless. Everyone was, if Johnny was in a mood, but there was something appealing about this specifically. Johnny had never been a particularly careful person, he wasn't used to it. He wasn't sure he was actually capable of it. But he had Edgar here like this, and he was being very careful with him even though normally Edgar was too strong to need caution or care. What a fun paradox. 

He was always discovering new things about himself with Edgar, he was always making so much progress on who he wanted to be and what he _could_ be. All this freedom, and he was using it right, and he liked Edgar not being able to see him. Edgar trusting him. He liked that. He'd have to do this to him again at some point.

"Are you afraid?"

Another long pause where Edgar just breathed, his head still down. His skin burned beneath Johnny's palms with some kind of vitality. He wasn't really used to the feel of blood when it was still under someone's skin. 

"I..." Edgar swallowed. "I don't know what I'm feeling right now." His voice was oddly small.

Johnny blinked to consider this. "Do you mean, are you feeling at all? If you can make yourself not do it, that'd be ideal. The idea here is that we're stronger than our monkey emotions, stronger than those urges and stronger than that fear that it's going to try to exploit. We're reinforcing the cracks in ourselves with this, we're swimming up and breaking through to the surface, we are beating it through this exercise. We've surpassed emotions. Is that what you mean?"

Edgar took one hand from Johnny's chest to touch his mouth again. Another long pause ensued. "Yeah..." He sounded a bit distant. "Yeah, of course... that's exactly it... it's... all for a greater purpose. I haven't forgotten."

"I knew you wouldn't." Johnny smiled at him, reminded himself he couldn't see it, but then didn't stop. "You know how important this is. You know how much this means to me, you always know these things. You always understand these things."

"Right..." Edgar took in a breath and held it for a few seconds. "I know what this means to you... I know what it means..."

Johnny sighed, awash with satisfaction at achieving this, at having him here and crushing this one weakness, at looking at Edgar and knowing that he was so _happy_ for him to accomplish this... 

And the thought occurred to him... was this it? Was this what he'd been working for? Could it get any better than this? This was happiness, wasn't it?

"Edgar, do you think this is it?" Johnny pulled Edgar's head up so he was looking at him again, or at least his face was pointed at him. Edgar shivered and made a faint noise as he did so. "Do you think this is as far as we can go? That we've done it, that we've accomplished what we've been working so hard for? Do you think this is it? Is this what I should preserve?"

Edgar was silent, and he could almost hear him thinking. He wished he could hear Edgar's thoughts instead of his own, or all the things hanging around in his thoughts and chiming in whether he wanted them to or not. Edgar took in a deep breath, held it again in that way that meant he was trying to calm himself down. Again he twitched like he wanted to look to one side. He kept doing that even though Johnny was not going to let him.

"Are you happy?" Edgar said.

"I'm not sure." Johnny frowned a little in thought. "I think I might be. It's hard for me to tell. It doesn't happen to me often. I'm not sure it will get any better than this though. Is that what you think, too?"

Again, Edgar was silent in apparent thought.

"I..." He swallowed. "I think... I'm not sure if I'm... happy, exactly."

Johnny's frown deepened. That was a little disappointing. If he could just do it now, that'd be really convenient. He wouldn't even have to get up, and then he reminded himself that he didn't have any of his knives on him at the moment. He was still wearing Edgar's clothes. _Even closer to being you._

He could snap his neck still, he guessed.

"You're not sure?"

"Well, neither are you, right?" Edgar managed a weak smile at him. It was interesting with his eyes covered, his hidden gaze just slightly off from Johnny's face. Johnny wasn't used to people smiling at him. "We've... made a lot of progress on this... thing, specifically." He was stumbling a little on his words, like they were difficult to say for some reason. "Aren't there other things you wanted to work on, though? Does this... fix everything you're worried about?"

Johnny made a thoughtful sound.

"You said, this was meant to... bolster our defenses, make both of us stronger, right?" Edgar took in a breath, paused in that way as he thought about something. "But, is this the only weakness that we have? Is this the only thing you're scared of? The only thing that could, uh... be exploited, as you put it?"

Another thoughtful sound.

"Maybe this, accomplishing this, has let you conquer one of your fears, but I..." And Edgar stopped, he was quiet for a moment and then he winced again, some kind of pain crossed his face. "I... for me, it..." Again, that pain, that wince Johnny didn't like when he didn't know where it was coming from. "This... this isn't the only thing I'm afraid of... and you said, we had to conquer all our fears so they wouldn't be exploited, right? You wouldn't want to kill me when I'm afraid, would you?"

Johnny deflated a little in disappointment. He really thought this might be it. After everything he'd done and accomplished... how was it not enough? What could be better than this, than how he felt right now? He couldn't even imagine it. But Edgar was right... he didn't want him to be afraid at the right moment. That would spoil it.

"If this... if this went so well for you so far..." Edgar said, a little breathless and distant. "Isn't that encouraging...? Don't you want to see if any other experiments you had in mind could be met with similar success? You don't want to settle when you could achieve something greater, do you?"

"Are you sure you're still afraid?" It was a little pleading. This had already been so hard to do. Couldn't this just be it? "How could you still be afraid after going through all that?"

A few long moments passed, then Edgar laughed humorlessly. "The kind of things I'm afraid of... I don't think this will help with that."

That didn't make sense to him. This had been the most awful and frightening thing Johnny could think of. The number one ultimate thing he never wanted to do. What could be more frightening than that? This might have been another one of those sane person things. Damn it, those always made things so complicated.

"So, this isn't working for you?"

Another long moment, Edgar still brushing his mouth with his fingers every now and then. Then he laughed again in that same humorless way. "Not the way you wanted it to."

Damn. That was so annoying. Johnny frowned.

"We're going to have to try something else then. Ugh. I really thought this would work."

A moment where he thought he saw a flicker of hesitation on Edgar's face. 

"Yes... yes, we should do something else." Edgar's mouth twisted a little at that, reluctant. Unwilling to admit that this hadn't worked, even for all that Johnny had accomplished. Again, so thoughtful. "You said you'd come up with a lot of possibilities...?"

Right, he had done that. He'd done that specifically so he'd have a back-up plan in case this didn't work. He could still do this. 

"Yeah, I wrote them down. Let me go get them." And Johnny let go of him so he could stand. Edgar groped blindly for where he'd been, then after a moment, pointed at his face.

"Um, can I take this off...?"

Johnny looked at him, sitting there on the bed in his own darkness while Johnny could see him clearly. Everything was under his control now. Even him, his anchor in the swirling torment of existence. He had that now, he could see it.

"No, keep it on," Johnny said, although after he did he wasn't entirely sure why. He found himself smiling. "I like it. It's kind of fun."

Edgar's face went red again, his hand went down to hold his other. He turned his head away from him, even though it wouldn't matter... he'd see the same thing no matter where he was looking.

"Alright..." he said, quietly.

"Don't worry, I've come up with a lot of ideas. Maybe you can come up with some, too. You said we have to try everything, and one of these has to work. I'm not going to let one not work. We're going to get what _we_ wanted, to hell with what they try to do to you. I'm not going to let them take you." He paused, pressing a finger to his mouth again in thought. It felt a little strange now, he noticed. "I guess I'll have to read them to you, since you can't see."

"Okay." Edgar seemed a little distant, his voice was faint. Maybe he was trying to come up with solutions of his own already. That sounded like something he'd do.

Johnny thought about the feel of his scar under his thumb, the feel of his permanence in Edgar's life. That, Johnny knew he liked. He thought about how his mouth had felt against his, and that of course came with confused disgust, but in spite of that, somehow Johnny couldn't say it had been entirely _unpleasant_. That was more than he'd been expecting. If the need arose, he was relatively sure he could do it again if required. The thought lingered in his head for some reason, an annoying little mayfly in his skull. 

Really, Johnny had to be willing and ready to try anything. This had worked to some degree, so pushing his boundaries was a good start. It was encouraging. They were on the right track, he was sure of it.

He wasn't sure he could call this optimism. He wasn't familiar enough with things like that to really know. But he picked up his list of options and headed back to Edgar's room, his heart beating a little faster at the thought. This had gone well enough, all things considered.

Maybe the other things would go well as well. For all that things would try and take this glimpse of happiness from him, take Edgar away from him, he wasn't going to allow that to happen.

He was _not_ going to allow that to happen.


End file.
